Following media reports that the UK's Trident-equipped nuclear submarine HMS Vanguard is being repaired with super glue, FNN have discovered the truth: HMS Vanguard is an Airfix kit!
A spokesperson for the model-making firm Airfix told FNN:
HMS Vanguard is in fact the largest plastic model kit we have ever made. We have been unable to reveal this up until now due the the Official Secrets Act. But once it was leaked that the sub is being glued back together we had no choice but to admit that the sub is a kit, although it is not listed in our 2023 catalogue.
The original brief from the MoD was to produce a kit for a submarine that when built would look great when berthed in dry-dock and be easy to repair if any water got in.
The waterproofing is in fact supplied by 17,680 gallons of Humbrol paint (4312AP-Flat Extra Dark Sea Grey Royal Navy) - the biggest single order that Humbrol have ever had.
Of course the sub does not have a nuclear reactor, any Trident missiles or even a crew. It's completely hollow. But we are very proud of the fact that our kit has managed to fool the Russians for decades.
We are also major suppliers to the Army and the Royal Air Force as budget cuts mean they also can't afford to buy the real thing anymore.
The First Sea Lord was unavailable for comment as we were told 'he's polishing up the handle of a big brass door'.