FNN has learned that the Vatican is about to ban Trump from the confessional as they believe he has commited too many sins and God simply hasn't got time to deal with them all.
And in any case, all he would ever say all day is continual "Hail Marys" in penance, leaving no time for running the USA by tweet.
Trump will also be banned from accepting the "body of Christ", in the form of communion wafers and wine, as the Catholic Church believes that Trump is an agent of the Devil - or so they have been led to believe by the leader of the Russian Orthodox Church, Ivan the Hacker.
Craggy Island priest, Father Ted Crilly, told FNN:
This ecumenical edict is well overdue for feck's sake!
There is no point in receiving a sinner's confession if you don't agree with what they say.
We in the priesthood are just wasting our time listening to all these little people who don't believe in what we believe in. You know?
I mean... can you imagine sitting there trying to appear interested while some eejiot just drones on about themselves. It's madness.
A drooling Father Jack Hackett interrupted:
Drink! Girrls! Pelosi! Impeach!
Then Father Dougal McGuire woke up and chipped in:
Ted. Is there a good scary fillum on TV?