World-famous chocolate maker Willy Wonka has announced the withdrawal from sale of all boxes of its latest Christmas offering: Novichocs.
If you have purchased these chocolates you are not to eat them and instead return them immediately to this address:
PO Box 999
MI6
London SE1
Fake News contacted some disgruntled Novichoc consumers for comment...
A Mr Scripol said:
I ordered a box for my daughter but when we opened it MI6 agents arrived and whisked us off to a safe-house in the Gorbals where we survive on Irn-Bru and macaroon bars. Glasgow is nice but we would like to return to Russia.
A Mr Natalny said:
I bought a box at Tomsk airport, I ate one on my flight and woke up in a hospital in Berlin where I was fed a constant diet of Stollen, Salami and salty liquorice which has upset my stomach. But I'm better now.