The UK is considering lowering the age of train drivers from 20 to 12 in order to reduce cancellations due to unavailable drivers.
A spokesperson explained:
In the days of the 'wooden world' at sea, boys could join the Royal Navy from an early age.
Admiral Nelson joined at 12 and look how well he did.
So why can't today's highly educated and emotionally stable kids drive trains?
FNN has learned that Playstations and other gaming devices will be banned in the train's cockpit and no snogging will be permitted.
The teenage drivers will be issued with a smart new uniform - designed by Zandra Rhodes - consisting of blazers, baseball caps, shorts and knee socks based on Jimmy Clitheroe's school uniform but in a shade of shocking pink.
The great-great-great grandson of Dr Beeching has said he will be one of the first to apply, while there are still any railways left in the UK to run trains on.