The Royal Navy has announced that it is decommisioning its two flagship aircraft carriers and re-purposing them to become floating hotels for immigrants.
One will be docked at Plymouth and the other at Scapa Flow in Orkney so immigrants get the chance to experience life at both ends of the British Isles.
But many Conservatives have argued that the new hotel-class carriers should be docked off the Falkland Islands so they can also act as a deterrent to Argentina.
A MoD spokesperson explained:
We just can't get them to work and the problems can't be fixed with superglue like our nuclear submarines.
We can't recruit enough sailors - even even after spending a fortune on constant reruns of the Village People's YMCA and Soft Cell's Tainted Love on TV and radio to attract new LGBT recruits.
And anyway, lets face facts, any Houti with a drone can sink a carrier these days so what's the point in having them?
Admiral Nelson was not available for comment but was heard turning in his grave.