Swedish Lutheran minister Greta Thunderberg has announced that she and her Scoldinavians will not be attending the Edinburgh Book Festival as planned because Scotland does not support the UN's 'global boiling' initiative.
A ministry spokesperson explained:
According to the UN, the whole world is in the age of Global Boiling.
Unfortunately this does not apply to Scotland where it is raining and has been for weeks.
So we cannot be seen supporting a country that is not boiling as this would undermine our core climate-change message.
Rab C Nesbitt, a spokesperson for book festival financial sponsor, Bailout Gifford, and clad in a natty combination of string vest, kilt and Doc Martin boots, told FNN:
All this global boiling malarky is messin' wi' ma' heed! Anyone for a brew down The Clansman?
A spokesperson for honorary Scotsman Mel Gibson commented:
Every man dies. But not every man dies wet.