Greta Thunderberg, Swedish Lutheran minister and climate change evangelist, sensationally decided not to speak at length at the COP26 conference in Glasgow in order to tell everyone off.
Following her arduous journey from Stoockholm to Glasgow by environmentally friendly pogo stick, Greta appeared at the podium wearing a greasy headband and a Norwegian string vest while eating a vegan macaroon bar.
Her only words were: Glasgae. Climate change is messin' wi ma heed!
Whereupon she left the podium and reportedly made her way to the Outer Hebrides to participate in a peat digging competition on St Kilda.
The mainstream media hailed her short speech as a triumph and predicted it would become a turning point in the history of climate change activism.
Windswept and interesting Billy Connolly was no available for comment as he was in The Clansman having a wee bevy with Jack and Victor.