President Biden has announced that his pick for the new boss of NATO is none other than Vladimir Putin.
The announcement came shortly after the bag of cocaine discovered in the White House had mysteriously disappeared.
A White House spokesperson told FNN:
The President has been mightily impressed with how Putin has handled the Iraq war, the bombing of Serbia and Libya, and the withdrawal from Afghanistan.
He's also never served in Northern Ireland and doesn't have a name with 'von' in it.
The only blot on his copybook is the failure to assassinate both the Skripals and opposition leader Navalny with the 'deadly' nerve agent Novichok.
But hey ... we can't all be Mossad or Kim Jong-un!
Clearly Putin is the most experienced offensive war leader in the world at the moment and so he's ideal for the job as head of the defensive NATO alliance.