As UK think-tanks predict energy bills will hit £2780 per month next winter, Sunak and Truss, the prime ministerial hopefuls, are struggling to find policies to promise to mitigate this.
One option is a new fast-track equity release scheme. Basically you handover your house to your energy supplier who then uses the value of your home to pay off your energy bills. Given that the average house price in the UK is £278K, this means that you are unlikely to lose your home in less than 10 years. Bonus!
The alternative is to install a wind turbine on your lawn and carpet your roof with solar panels, which should only cost around £28000. But even this 'green' solution can't be guaranteed to supply all your energy needs beyond your morning cuppa and nightime cocoa.
Bill 'Battler' Heslop, Australian climate change Czar, told FNN:
Just turn off the heat and wear more clothes for fuck's sake! Or better still, stay in bed all day. Sure, a few million people are going to snuff it but that just means more energy for the rest of us right? Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinny. I'm parched!