FNN has learned that increased awareness of credit scoring through non-stop TV advertising is causing mental health problems.
People who had never heard of credit scoring a few years ago are now obessively checking their credit score on their phones. Academic studies now show conclusively that dopamine levels increase when the score goes up and the consumption of doughnuts and masturbation increases when the score goes down.
Credit scores are now the subject of dinner-table conversations and bullying in the playground. They are also being used to determine your suitability for job vacancies and apparently there are plans to flash up your credit score everytime you make a purchase or try to make a withdrawal from your bank account.
A spokesperson for the Society of Credit Assessment Managers (SCAM) told FNN:
Your credit score is the most important metric in your life so it is not surprising that people are paying more attention to it. We are introducing a charge that is levied each time your credit score is updated, a charge that will be passed onto consumers. We will also be introducing National Credit Score Day where those with high scores will be celebrated and those with low scores shamed.
Bill 'Battler' Heslop, Australia's leading credit score critic, commented:
Credit scores are all a load of bollocks and just another control mechanism introduced by global elites to keep us all in line. The only score that matters is your ability to score with the sheilas. Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinny. I'm parched!