President-elect Joe "I'm Irish" Biden has told London to prepare for changes to the special relationship after telling Boris Johnson to "drop dead" - Gerald Ford style.
Fake News has learned that some of the new clauses being discussed include:
- the appointment of Gerry Adams as the new US Ambassador
- the appointment of Hunter Biden as a business advisor to the UK's Department of Innovation and Skills
- the US embassy will be moved from London to The Grand Hotel Brighton
- all US diplomats will be allowed to drive on the wrong side of the road whilst in the UK
- all US citizens resident in or visiting the UK will have diplomatic status
- the UK is to become dependent on potatos from Idaho so that the supply of chips can be restricted at any time
- a MoneyStream2 pipeline is to built (and paid for by the UK) to supply US fracking oil to UK consumers
- a rubber wall will be built around Northern Ireland, which will become a duty-free zone and renamed Free Derry
London is hoping that a slap-up dinner at Buckingham Palace followed by an open carriage ride to Downing Street in the company of Elton John - all filmed by Meghan & Harry Enterprises Inc. - will help to start this new chapter in the special relationship on a more positive note.
Airey Neave was unavailable for comment.