Ukrainian peace talks slated for Wednesday 23 April 2025 in London have been downgraded after it turned out that nobody important from the USA would be attending.
A White House press spokesperson explained:
Both Mr Rubio and Mr Witkoff are very busy men and it turns out they have other things on their mind right now.
Mr Rubio had double-booked a tanning session and pedicure, while Mr Witkoff has decided that he'll get more frequent flyer miles travelling to Moscow than to London.
As a result the London location for the talks has been downgraded from a 5-star hotel near St James Park to the Woking railway station Travelodge and the catering from food by Heston Blumenthal - including his famous exploding 'Chernobyl Baked Alaska', an American favourite - to a bacon roll and a latte from Greggs.
Foreign ministers from the 'coalition of the willing' have also proven unwilling to attend the downgraded talks and have instead decided to attend an alternative event - a night out clubbing in Estonia with former Finnish Prime Minister Sanna 'Wild Finn' Marin.