As the Olympics becomes nothing but another politicized farce, the IOC is rumoured to be considering dropping sport from the event.
A spokesperson explained:
Olympic values have changed.
Today we value hypocrisy, banning Russian athletes but embracing Israelis; inequality, by forcing women to compete against transgender athletes and double-standards, by allowing the USA to opt-out of WADA doping protocols.
We recognize that the world has moved on and no-one really cares about the sport anymore but only about celebrities partying and mysoginistic rappers carrying the Olympic torch.
We will will be introducing a new event - Doggystyle - inviting everyone to grab a hoe and get busy in the stands.
That's the kind of thing that the Tik-Tok generation will go crazy for on their webcam channels.
The winners podium will also involve mandatory twerking by any bitches who make it to a medal. Shake those booties!
Former Australian sprinter Bill "Borzov" Heslop told FNN:
When I won the sprint double in 1972, I beat the men who were there. Unfortunately today that's what the sheilas have to do.
Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinnie, I'm parched.