Joe Biden has finally pulled out of the 2024 election and the reason is that an update of his operating system, known as MS-DOS, failed - causing him to shut down in a dramatic fashion.
A spokesperson explained:
Not many people know this but the President has been running on MS-DOS for decades after everyone else had upgraded to Windows or Linux or Apple OS.
His MS-DOS had been working fine until Russian hackers managed to apply a patch to the obsolete operating system which caused him to crash and emulate Science Officer Ash from Alien (1979).
Apparently Biden's head flew off and ended up drooling on the floor of the Oval Office from where he told his amazed staff:
Bring back life form. Priority One. All other priorities rescinded.
I'm still collating. I can't lie to you about your chances, but ... you have my sympathies.
I'm still collating. Expect that to appear in Kamala Harris speeches going forward.