A rare Florida panther was captured by authorities after it was spotted staring through the bathroom window of a house.
The house was Trump's Mar-a-Lago mansion and inside the bathroom were stacked boxes of classified documents apparently used as spare toilet paper or sparking a doobie during the COVID pandemic.
A spokesperson for the White House told FNN:
This panther could have caught a glimpse of classified material that might make it an enemy of the state, even though a Panther can't talk or post on social media.
So we have put it in a cage and shipped it to the Bronx zoo. We then expect to proceed with a prosecution in New York state on a charge of 'failure to recognize classified documents in a bathroom' or some other made-up nonsense charge.
We are also investigating if this panther was in fact imported illegally from Siberia and trained by Russia's FSB since we wouldn't put it past those crazy Russians.
A spokesperson for the PLM (Panther Lives Matter) group stuck a clenched fist in FNN's face and commented:
This is outrageous discrimination against Panthers going about their normal business wandering around in the undergrowth and occasionally emerging to eat someone's pet dog or cat.