Following a Louisiana woman using Gorilla Glue to hold down her hair when she had no hairpspray to hand, product manufacturers are to be forced to put new warning signs on their products.
FNN has learned that these new warning signs include:
- Bleach - do not drink or use as mixer with spirits - except maybe in Scotland
- Super Glue - do not use as a vaginal lubricant - unless you're into celibacy
- Motor Oil - do not use as a colonially right-on substitute for molasses
A spokesperson for the Health and Safety Executive commented:
We are pushing for every product to include a separate leaflet detaining all the things you should not do with a product, which as you can imagine could be a lot.
Bill "Battler" Heslop, recently retired boss of accounting firm BOGOF, commented:
God almighty. What kind of f**king dickhead puts glue in their hair?
I can understand sniffing it or using it to stick on your merkin but using it as hair oil. Barmy!
Even Rudy Giuliani doesn't use glue in his hair and he's an expert in hair care products.
Hey Muriel! Get me a tinny, I'm parched.
EU spokesperson Ursula von Richtfhofen told FNN:
I have been using inferior British glue in my hair for years.
But as result of Brexit I will be switching to a superior German brand - Fickengutklebstoff - produced by IG Farben.